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To: humor@lists.gateway.com
Date: Sun Dec 08 07:38:30 1996
Note: Original author is Lewis Napper
(napper@tiger.teclink.net). This and his other writings can
be found at home.teclink.net/~napper.
Bill of No Rights
We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help
everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid
any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive
behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to
ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby
try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense
guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden
delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of
people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim
that they require a Bill of No Rights.
You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV
or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can
legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
You do not have the right to never be offended. This
country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for
everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the
channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is
full of idiots, and probably always will be.
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you
stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful,
do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of
your relatives independently wealthy.
You do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and
will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing
weary of subsidizing generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than
the creation of another generation of professional couch
potatoes.
You do not have the right to free health care. That would
be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just
not interested in public health care.
You do not have the right to physically harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone,
don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill
you.
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If
you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of
other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get
together and lock you away in a place where you still won't
have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of
leisure.
You do not have the right to demand that our children risk
their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching
conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a
finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like.
However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do
not want to spend so much of our time battling each and
every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you
to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times,
but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in
education and vocational training land before you to make
yourself useful.
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American
means that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which,
by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an
overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you
who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
Regards, Jim Ray
DNRC Minister of Encryption Advocacy
One of the "legitimate concerns of law enforcement" seems to be
that I was born innocent until proven guilty and not the other
way around. -- me
Please note new 2000bit PGPkey & address <jmr@shopmiami.com>
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