Fwd: Software installation
Jim (jbusch@enterprise.withheld.net)
Thu, 20 Mar 1997 16:39:54 -0500
>------- Forwarded Message Follows -------
>
> "HOW TO INSTALL SOFTWARE -- A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry from his
> new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")
>
> 1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
> that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
> software. It should look something like this:
>
> SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
> 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
> 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
> 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
> 3546 MB RAM
> 432323 MB ROM
> 05948737 MB RPM
> ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
> 2 TURTLE DOVES
>
> NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
>
> 2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
> contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
> troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
>
> 3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
> 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
> that says:
>
> LICENSING AGREEMENT:
>
> By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the
> terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
> reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
> Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks
> and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the
> Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the
> right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as
> well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or
> leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the
> dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've
> been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
>
> 4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
> child), please install this on my computer."
>
> 5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
> appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
>
> 6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
>
> 7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
>
> 8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
> which the following message should appear on your screen:
>
> The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
> would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
> Choose one, and be honest:
>
> +-------+ +--------+
> | YES | | SURE |
> +-------+ +--------+
>
> 9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
> for a very long time while the installation program does God knows
> what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter
> molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has
> been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food
> processor. At the very least, the installation program will create
> many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your
> hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names
> like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
>
> 10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
> display the following message:
>
> CONGRATULATIONS
>
> The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
> computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your
> software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks,
> insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal
> parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!#$_$*^^&
>
> 11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
> than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
> furniture.
>
>
> 12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
> package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
> you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3
> through 12.