Due to the current financial situation, the management have decided to
implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This
scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Persons
selected to be RAPEd can apply to management for the SHAFT scheme
(Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed
will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early
Workers). A person may be RAPEd only once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as
many times as the management deems appropriate. Persons who have been
RAPEd can apply to get AIDS (Additioanl Income for Dependents or Spouse)
or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed
any further by the management. Persons staying on will recieve as much
SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always
prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives it's staff. Should you fell
that you do not receive enough SHIT please bring it to the attention of
your manager. He/She has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can
handle.