-Passing is only allowed in the right lane
-When driving in the left lane, you must keep pace with the car in the
right lane.
-When you are confused, stop.
-Directionals are forbidden except when cruising in the left lane of a
major highway.
-Changing lanes from the left driving lane to a left turn lane is only
permitted a maximum of 10 feet from the intersection and/or when
another vehicle is almost there, and there is just enough space for
you to squeeze in.
-If you are not sure where you are, stop.
-When driving on a double yellow road without a passing lane, you must
go at least 15 miles/hour under the speed limit.
-Its is now permitted to make a right turn from the left lane without
any notice or warning.
-If someone is trying to turn on to a road that you are driving on,
you must go fast enough to get in the way and slow enough to allow the
traffic behind you to do the same.
-When looking for something, stop.
-Never accelerate
-If your car is REALLY big (i.e. Buick Century, Chrysler New Yorker,
any Cadillac or Lincoln or if your hair is blue) 6 mph is the maximum
you may drive.
-Breaking at every intersection is not only safe for the imaginary
animals crossing the street, but a great idea!
-For no reason, stop.
-Never signal or give an indication of your next move, its a jungle
out there and god forbid you let your strategy out.
-Always cut off trucks and semis, they can stop on a dime.
-When using the beltline, you must break down and leave your car on
the off ramp (preferably blocking traffic).
-All major roadways are perfectly good pwithhelding lots.(e.g. Hillsborough
street)
-When pulled over by a member of our brave, fearless and dedicated law
enforcement agency, you must stop in the middle of traffic. Don't
forget your hazards, its the all encompassing excuse.
-If its tuesday, stop.
-If you need a drivers license, do not wait in line at the DMV, do
what everyone else here does and get it in the bottom of a fruit loops
box.
WHAT I LEARNT ABOUT LIFE FROM COUNTRY SONGS
by
Red R. Neck
HOW TO GET A WIFE
She Used Her Wrecker and Her Bass Boat To Get Me On Her Hook
She Done the Fiddlin, I Got the Bill
She Sank Her Claws and Jaws In My Jelly Belly of Love
Too Many Beers In the Back Of My Car Is What Got Me In Front Of the Preacher
She Had Super Glue In Her Naval, and She Stuck Me For Good
She Kept Dealing Me a Full House, Until I Ended Up Living There
When She Put the Ring On My Finger, All I Knew Was a Ringing In My Ears
COOKING AND CLEANING AROUND THE HOUSE
She Was the Bread Of My Life When She Took My Dough
Don't Take Your Love Out and Throw the Garbage On Me
She Done Burned the Grits On My Stove of Love
I Got Fillet Migon Tastes and a Cheeseburger Wife
The Only Ring Left In Our Marriage Is In the Bathtub You Don't Clean
I Fell In the Commode of Love, and You Keep Pullin the Handle
FAMILY VALUES
If His Love Was Dynamite, I Couldn't Blow My Nose
She's Always Got a Stand Up Argument, Even When She Lies
I Can't Win Them All, But I'd Sure Like to Lose You
I Mooned Your Ex Honey On Our Honeymoon
If Silence Was Golden, My Wife Couldn't Buy Squat
She Says I Got a Seven-hundred-dollar Stetson and a Ten-cent Brain
If You Don't Know I'm Here, How You Gonna Know I'm Gone?
She Told Me I Ain't Slow or Fast, I'm a Half Fast Kind of Guy
HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH YOUR WIFE AND FAMILY
I'm Gonna Scrunge Me Up Some Low Down Blues On My Monkey Ward Guitar
We Best Stop and Push the Bed Back Up Against the Wall
You Know When You Wear That Bolo I Get Feathers In My Teeth
I Like To Feel Her Dangerous Curves, When We Slow Dance In the Dwithheld
I Know My Gibson Ain't Off Key, Cause the Factory Tuned It Good
Let's Let the Kids Play In the Pool, While We Skinny Dip In Bed
THINGS TO DO ON BOWLING NIGHT
You Bite My Ugly Wife Every Time You Kiss Me
I'd Like to Kiss You All Over, You Gonna Go Wash?
What Part of 'Yes' Don't You Understand?
I'm On a Runaway Rolly Coaster, and You Won't Give Me a Brake
I Hope the Bumblebee of Life Flies Up Your No's
I Couldn't Get Your Body Off My Mind
Drunk Again On T Bird On the Floor of My T Bird Coupe
You Can't Be An Angel, Your Boobs Are Much Too Big
I'm So Thirsty For Her Kisses, I'm Gonna Have To Drink Another Beer
I Got a Phonographic Memory and She's Playin All My Tunes
WHAT THE WIFE DOES ON MY BOWLING NIGHT. . .
And what I say to her:
If Cheatin Earned You Dollars, You'd Be a Millionaire
'No' Ain't In Your Dictionary of Love
I'm Going To Tie a Big 'Not' In Your Devil Tail
You Was Comin On To Him When You Should Have Been Comin Home
You Took a Nine-pound Sledge And Busted Up My Heart Real Bad
My Heart's a Big Screen TV and You Got the Darn Remote
What She says to me (it's an act):
I'm Puttin the Fire In Your Gut Out With My Tears
What she says to him . . .
You Cut Me Deep With Your Wife
My Husband's In the Saddle, But There's Blisters On His Mind
RELIGION IN OUR HOUSE
Would Jesus Do the Macarena In Yankee Stadium?
When I Kneel Down To Pray, My Knee Cracks Turn On the Clap Lamp
Could Jesus Play today in the N-H-L
Lord, Let Me Spit My Gum In Shania's Belly Button
Did Jesus Ever Sing Out of Tune, Off Key, Really Bad?
BOWLING NIGHT AND RELIGION
If Forgettin Her Would Save My Soul, I'd Land In Hell For Sure
I'd Like To Get Sinfully Guilty Over You
I'm Damned If I Do and Dammed If You Don't
I'm Confessing I Don't Want to Get You Off My Chest
HELPFUL FAMILY HINTS
Your Spiked Doggy Collar Don't Look So Good With That Dress
Your Hair Smells Like Perfume But Your Breath Smells Like Puke
This Bed Ain't No Hot Tub You Can Just Jump In When You Please
When My Wife Gets Horny, She Plays the Whole Brass Band
MAINTAINING GOOD HEALTH
When You Said You Didn't Love Me You Infarcted Me Right In the Heart
Momma's Got the Red Nose Blews
She Puts Mustard On Her Moon Pies and Mayo On Her Face at Night
If You Love Me Pick the Lice Out Of My Hair
I'd Rather Have Heartburn Than a Heartache Over You
My Wife's Got the Liposuction Blues
WHEN BOWLING NIGHT FALLS ON THE WEEKEND
Wanna Fall In Love Just For the Weekend?
When I Sobered Up, She Was Uglier'n Saturday Night Sin On Sunday Morning
GETTING ALONG WITH THE INLAWS AND THE NEIGHBORS
Your Kid Just Spit Tobaccy Juice On My Brand New Cowboy Boots
Your Momma's Got Nicotine Stains On Her Teeth and Bourbon On Her Breath
Your Brother's Windshield Was the Only Thing That Ever Went Through His Mind
Getchur Tears Outta My Beer and Your Hands Off My Wife
WHEN MY BOWLING SCORE'S LOWER THAN MY IQ
I Ain't Leavin Lovin Leavin a Lovin You
She Used Me Like a Subway Token When We Rode the Train of Love
How Can I Get Over You When I Got a Rocky Mountain Mind?
Because Her Picture's At the Bottom of Every Glass
I'm Hangin By My Fingernails, And I Ain't Over You
You Busted My Heart In More Pieces Than a Backboard Breaks From a Shack
Slam Dunk
She's Smoked Her Last Cigar In My Waterbed
I'm Just Another Cowboy On Your Short Rope Of Love
Submitted by the author: Rick Gibson @ edge.net
EXCERPTS from THE BORN LOSER By Bor N. Luser
----------------------------------------------
"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he
pulled through."
"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"
"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of
my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof"
"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."
"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them?
He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can
hide."
"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on
the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He
said.. On your mwithheld..."
"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with
an ax!"
"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"
"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I
went over... Nobody was home!"
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor
told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't
mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... Alright...you're ugly too!"
Submitted by: Neeraja Ganesh @ anz.com