HUMOR: FW: This year's Darwin Awards (fwd)

J. Ferrell - withheld (ferrell@withheld.net)
Wed, 19 Feb 1997 10:47:57 -0500 (EST)

> From: Sharon Williams <slwithhelds@mindspring.com>
> Subject: FW: This year's Darwin Awards
> Some people are just too stupid...
>
>
>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> ----------
> >>>Nothing will beat last year's winner, but these are this year's nominees:
> >>>
> >>>The Darwin Awards
> >>>
> >>>You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found
> >>>out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the
> >>>JATO (jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be
> >>>turned off once it was turned on.
> >>>
> >>>Darwin Awards are (by definition) granted posthumously. This citation
> >>>is bestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who through
> >>>single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable
> >>>elements from the human gene pool.
> >>>
> >>>The 1996 nominees are:
> >>>
> >>>[San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a
> >>>club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself
> >>>to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
> >>>
> >>>[Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally
> >>>shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to
> >>>the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the
> >>>phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson .38 Special, which
> >>>discharged when he drew it to his ear.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to his
> death.
> >>>A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium
> >>>apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his
> death,
> >>>police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled
> >>>chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer
> >>>of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went
> >>>over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No
> >>>foul play is suspected."
> >>>
> >>>[UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows
> >>>in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his
> >>>shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said
> >>>Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank
> >>>Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the
> >>>building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had
> >>>conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police
> >>>reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day
> >>>Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the
> >>>best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
> >>>
> >>>[AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)] Six people drowned
> >>>Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in
> >>>southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into
> >>>the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the
> >>>water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none
> >>>of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also
> >>>drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently
> >>>were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later
> >>>pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of
> >>>Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
> >>>
> >>>[Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for
> >>>life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at
> >>>Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's
> >>>paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the
> >>>unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the
> >>>high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its
> >>>treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10seconds. After
> >>>lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time,
> >>>the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the
> >>>burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital,
> >>>20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he
> >>>was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the
> >>>police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and
> >>>decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be
> >>>scarred for life.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>"More intelligence-challenged people"
> >>>
> >>>45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a
> >>>mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed
> >>>in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the
> >>>mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that
> >>>she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to
> >>>change the oil.
> >>>
> >>>Portsmouth, R.I.Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of
> >>>vending machine robberies in January when he:
> >>>1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around
> a
> >>>vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
> >>>
> >>>Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery
> >>>of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric
> >>>chainsaw, which was not plugged in.
> >>>
> >>>The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into
> >>>Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and
> >>>demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
> >>>couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man
> >>>ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
> >>>The man, frustrated, walked away.
> >>>
> >>>In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are
> >>>listed below:
> >>>
> >>>* James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was
> >>>trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got
> >>>a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath
> >>>so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns'
> >>>clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns
> >>>"wrapped in the drive shaft." [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]
> >>>
> >>>* Same thing up here in MI. Seems some poor fella thought it would be a
> >>>good idea to "move" a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports it
> >>>took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to
> >>>free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.
> >>>
> >>>* Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head
> >>>bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was
> >>>trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head
> >>>without getting hit.
> >>>
> >>>* In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with
> >>>pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When
> >>>repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't
> >>>find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>
> >
> >
>
> 

-- 


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