While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forstall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger
foods.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same
goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water
handy when using this method.
DINING OUT
----------
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking
directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering
the label.
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all,
their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
-------------------------
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good
his manners are.
Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
DATING (Outside the Family)
---------------------------
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that
were stolen from a cemetery.
Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your
reputation.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
-----------------
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
--------
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the
groom.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but
also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty
appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
-----------------
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit
in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
----------------------
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
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